“Recently I’ve had huge waves of realization as to why I am still up here, in Argyll. It’s as if here, in the cottage with my boyfriend, I’m beginning to be able to trust and really relax into myself. Enjoy the possibilities within me, visualize creative futures and see that they are all possible from here. Often I feel tense and nervous still, but then realize I do not have to!
There is no ettiquette to abid to, no questions of dependance, no gratefulness to show, no pressure to ‘display’, ‘behave’ or ‘be ‘normal”….I do not even have to employ the kind of defense system necessary while on the road or in the city.
Through this I am learning a humility, allowing myself to become smaller, softer. It feels good, a balance being born. The only danger is completely forgetting how to protect myslef, or recognizing what shit that is in the first place and keeping myself in the ‘outback’, in ease and a relaxed mental space, with no challenge, until I die!
Its amasing how things work out. His landlady has contacted him suggesting that he rent out her room. I cannot imagine a more nourishing place than this to be and he has suggested that I move in with him. I’d be paying rent and have my own space. We both need/feel good for a bit of genuine company and support. It is almost too good to be true!
I can cycle about here and get fit. I can complete the jobs at the farm by arranging days to come over and work therefore not appearing ungrateful.
I’d like to get a camera to take some natural shots…the light on a tree, the mists in the early morning. I’d also like to begin collecting natural materials to sell at a market stall in the city. I can easily get a van down south and bring it up here to do up….for further adventures.
Although I miss India and my friends down south I am essentially happy here and believe it is too good an opurtunity to miss. I hope that folk will come up and visit sometimes. In reality also there is nothing stopping me making the effort, on this tiny island!, of going down to visit them also.
This is the most stable, non-pressured, open space that has ‘happened’ for me….provided that he and I continue to get on!
If feelings of loosing touch become too strong, I only have to go…..Relax.”