My big fear is that through this, gnostic, self-isolation I will loose the freinds I love so much.
As my attitude changes.
Fear that they will find me boring, ‘unattractive’ when I see them next….or that they will simply forget me.
Fear of becoming my mother…..in that she stands alone telling the rest of the world they are mad.
Fear of loosing the strength to keep moving on….in order to maintain my unique learned stability.
I met my nextdoor neighbour today.
This day began as any other.
Shutting my soul, tight, to change,
Hurt by the loss of carefree joy,
And the twisted appeals of my mother.
Pulling the end closer.
Its ghouls and shadows,
Preyed on me.
With ghosts like these was I still ‘free’?
Alone with ‘only I know’
I cursed myself to solitude.
And in meeting every stranger,
I brought only, selfish, tales of woe
But my nextdoor neighbour
Told me which way to go.
The sad old men could nothing say
To relieve the pain I felt this day.
This day like any other.
I needed the words of one who knew,
an older woman, a compasisonate mother.
She offered no escape in drink,
No comforting joint was passed to me.
She simply said , repeatedly,
“Head for the light and you’ll be free.”
She’d been where I was now.
But taken the “good with the bad.”
And I could see in her older face
That she’s having the best time she’s ever had.
She’s going to America, to be with her son and family,
It made me think that maybe, one day, that could still be me.
I’m glad to have met this stranger,
Who’s grown older, gracefully.
“Hold your toungue and you will find some, greater, peace of mind.” she said.
It strikes some deeper chord, inside.
I must learn to laugh again and ride
all these undulating changes, that are brought on the tide.
Hold my tongue. Learn not to say.
So I am heading for the light.
I wave goobye to nursing pain.
I’m taking the reins of my life
Into my hands again.
The same “dumb insolence” will aid me
And I hope I will become
As kind and as real as my nextdooor neighbour
And one day help someone.
“Head for the Light”
Here is the crossroads.
Stop running into despair.
So when younger ‘changlings’ come
They’ll find an older woman there
Who reminds them only to take care and
“Head toward the light.”
Whatever it may be.
“We all go through changes.
Like a sapling to a tree.”
Sometimes over comforting red Nescafe mugs
Full of Nescafe.
I am Kat.
I am 27 years old.
I have a degree in Visual and Performing Arts.
I have travelled extensively over the last 5 years.
I live, currently , in a caravan outside Edinburgh.
I have many friends in the city, but, essentially, I live alone.
I feel quite empty and lonely.
Must light my own fire again.
Otherwise it is over.
Or perhaps this is just what winter feels like in the UK.
I had forgotten.
Hiding. Residing. Sliding. On the siding.
Catch the key.
Set loose in synchronicity.
The talent that saves is out to sea.
The beat hits me between the lungs.
Tight from defensive lies.
I am lonley.
I am unable.
I am depressed.
Let the tension go.
“for the twa brothers and I.
the brothers :
GRAIL KNIGHT truth/horse/music/intelligent/high valued man/important message.
GRAIL KING antlered/wood/business/lower divinity/responsible/generous/considerate.
how they see me:
WASHER AT THE FORD haggard/mystery/death-rebirth/great change/serious/scholarly/hardworking/new ideas/crow/ancient culture/’man’s head on a plate’ = Salome.
past in our relationship:
EIGHT OF STONES collective/employment/commission/skills
SPEAR KNIGHT horse flying forward/spear raised/on the go/attractive/
dissention in his wake/travel/departure.
? outnumbered/pushing through/courage against negative tide.
hopes and fears:
? growing awareness, shift to universal consciouness.
GRAIL TEN perfection of human love and friendship/contentment/attainment of heart’s desire.
THE STORY. (another reading)
Born of boredom and dissatisfaction, I am the Grail Maiden. A thoughtful, artistic muse to the seeker. The birth of new ideas.
Created a new gateway and , as the salmon surges upstream toward the moon, I encourage you to pass through to reach the reason you seek.
The Spear Knight came through the gateway I created. Spear raised, surging toward me.
What purpose is there in learning the horror of chaos?
Understanding it is nothing to fear and have the courage to continue.
The key to acheiving connection I desire is to keep a peaceful path in this discordent world.
And what will I discover there?
What will we discover?
One that will teach us balance.”
Adventure swallows the mission.
The story swallows the song.
Life’s a great consumer.
Life only goes on.
The living is the artist.
The artist is the life.
My only record in history.
A willingness to survive.
Baying at the neon city.
Excited by the deaf response
And howling only louder.
Old timer. Gimme your respect.
I am still not caught in your net.
Believe. It is only my luck.
Who gives a fuck?
Sticky spider, caught inside her.