Tagged: fear

Unique stability. Braevallich Cottage, Scotland. 1996.

My big fear is that through this, gnostic, self-isolation I will loose the freinds I love so much.

As my attitude changes.

Fear that they will find me boring, ‘unattractive’ when I see them next….or that they will simply forget me.

Fear of becoming my mother…..in that she stands alone telling the rest of the world they are mad.

Fear of loosing the strength to keep moving on….in order to maintain my unique learned stability.

Alone.

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Alone. London. 1994.

“In these times alone I seem to just float consciously. Unaware of others. In circumstance born selfishness. A blissful ‘om’ and totally lacking in complication.

Maybe I was born to ‘cruise’ alone.

Or maybe that is just too easy.

Are the easy options life’s tests?

Is my karma cleaner, somehow stronger, if I chose a harder way for me?

Or is all that just an illusion?

That , in fact, the need for company, that I do suffer from, the wondering if I am building an invincible tower for myself, constantly comparing myself with the ‘norm’, the over thinking, is my main stress.

Which?

Sadhu. Sacrifice for freedom.

Whenever I am alone I miss people occasionally.

When I am with my friends, I can never find a comfortable place among them.

Does that say something?

It this what I must learn, to be among people?

It seems to find the peace, fill this hole in my understanding of fulfilment, I must make stronger connections. Build something stable in this chaotic life.

But the joker is played when, on reflection, I realise that it has only ever been when moving that I ever feel that blessed wholeness and satisfaction and I long for that feeling again.

This scares me sometimes.”

Sussex County Hospital. 9th December 1990.

(Written after I was readmitted into hospital with another vicious attack of stomach pain. I was finally admitted to hospital when a GP noticed that I was actually burning myself with my hot water bottle, without realising it, in attempts to dull the pain.)

“They’re going to send me away.

I know they are. It’s not that I want to stay. It is awful here. The loneliest place in the world. But I am frightened.

It is the pain.

I just said to a ‘comforter’ ” I am angry.” and I am. Angry that this should happen to me. To me. Now. I do not understand it.

To make it worse no one else seems to either. I have been here a week and they still cannot work it out!

I think I feel most frightened when I remember the weeks of pain before.

The weeks when I didn’t go to anyone because it had been diagnosed as something only I could deal with. IBS. A stress related intestinal condition with no cure other than determining causes (tried everything, cutting out foods, Fibre gel, etc.) and self management with pain killers. The inability to go out, move around. Constant dependency on my hot water bottle and the bath. The all consuming pain that forbade sleeping, reading….even thinking.

At least here they can kill the pain.

And now they are going to send me back.

No change.

I want to be cured. For it all to go away.

Instead it lingers. Nagging. Reminding me that it is winning.

And after 4 weeks I am beginning to believe it will.”