Medicine Cards reading. Braevallich Cottage, Scotland. 1996.

(2017 – I owned a pack of Medicine Cards for years and used them regularly before they were shed, mysteriously, in travelling.

I have often considered creating/producing my own version, using the Celtic traditions and Scotland’s wildlife, more recently.

It has been quite a powerful experience transcribing this diary entry from 1996 as it could not describe more perfectly where I feel I am NOW!  Seven year cycles perhaps!!

It has been a long, hard, slog of serious self-transformation this last decade for me. From depression through to, what I can only describe as, some form of contentment/enlightenment! I look back on this reading wishing I had, really, understood the truth/power in these words back then….so many mistakes could have been avoided.

There is one notable sychronicity here too…in that my current work is very involved in all things ‘antelope’/’deer’, ( I was actually challenged by a real roe deer in the woods recently, sustaining a reasonable scar!) which I had forgotten represents ‘knowing oneself’. Encouraging. Another strong realization was that none of my ‘healing’ and ‘coming to self’, my growing confidence as an artist, would have been possible without the internet. I was ready back then. It just hadn’t been invented.

The footnote made me smile. The seeing of cycles, but still being, youthfully, obsessed with appearance! )

Spiritual nature and abilities.

HUMMINGBIRD/JOY

The dance of the medicine that solves the riddle of duality. Love charms. Joining people and instinctive ability to seek beauty. Helping others to ‘taste’ life. Dies quickly if caged or imprisoned. The magik of living.

New growth. New beginnings in relation to environment. True feelings.

SKUNK/RESPECT

Respect. ‘Walk your talk’ ‘Respect yourself’. Attraction. Learning to handle energy flows. Body language. Walk tall. Be proud.

Dream within the dream. Purpose in life. Life mission.

MOOSE/SELF ESTEEM

‘Tell the world’ with joy and pride. Enjoyment of sharing. Balance between getting things done and doing it yourself. Teacher of children, including warnings. Feel good about your journey. You should. Encouragment.

Inner wisdom. Use this to locate it – possibly inthe subconscious. Breaking of self deception.

BUTTERFLY/TRANSFORMATION

Astute observation of self-transformation. Listen to the life around and heed your inner self.

Power sheild of the self. The Knowing of oneself.

ANTELOPE/ACTION

To do. Doing. Sacrifice. Love of Life. Honour the gifts of nature. Strength of mind and heart. Ability for quick decisive action. ‘The time is now. The power is you.’
(scribbled at the bottom of the page)
mmmm….I am getting fatter again. How can it be? The cyclic motion of matter over the years!?

Unique stability. Braevallich Cottage, Scotland. 1996.

My big fear is that through this, gnostic, self-isolation I will loose the freinds I love so much.

As my attitude changes.

Fear that they will find me boring, ‘unattractive’ when I see them next….or that they will simply forget me.

Fear of becoming my mother…..in that she stands alone telling the rest of the world they are mad.

Fear of loosing the strength to keep moving on….in order to maintain my unique learned stability.

Alone.

Extracts from dreams. Braevallich Cottage, Scotland. 1996.

23/3/96

‘….cliff-hanging village, like Eredine? Wooden, roofless houses. A strange hotel. Rows of wooden, cell-style rooms. Rickety van, full of children. Horrific time on forestry track juction, forestry trucks at high speed. No brakes. Rolling backwards downhill. Survived just. ‘Pakistan’ mixed with Scotland.

24/3/96

‘….wake up in art college. Choosing to stay outside normal accomodation. Buildings were mad. Beautiful benders made out of junk. Old freind was there, joining me on the ‘outside’. He had a beautiful carpet and an incredible crystal sculpture in his bag. Anxiety over him. More extraordinary rooms…’

25/3/96

‘…two enormously fat women battling in a swimming pool…..’

26/3/96

‘…..blood red gallery. Pictures of models stabbed and wounded. Huge prints. Very , very high roof. A spooky artist, elderly, in a suit, sitting on the floor in knee length socks while he introduced the work….’

27/3/96

‘…wedding seen through windows. Rugby shirts and no.1 haircuts. Greek style line dancing. Bride and groom at a huge wooden table. Some strange ritual (rather like a Japanese business presentation!) but the exchange of, partaking of, cornflakes!!! Couteous sort of meeting. “Come and see the balcony!” Bizarre make-up is normal.Older people all…..’

Lifting the lid. Braevallich Cottage, Scotland. 1996.

The inspiration crawled away and hid.

I found it for a while today,

In a small snuff box, when I lifted the lid.

I don’t know where it’s flown to now.

It’s done it again, just disappeared!

No point in believing that’s the end that I feared.

For some other day, as long as there are blank pages in my book,

I’ll find it again

When I am having a look.

Bared. Fragment of pure automatic writing.(unedited) Braevallich Cottage, Scotland. 1996.

Total absolution.

Flimsy in timeless, gruesome heat.

Auburn textured tunes of other times.

Marching on weary calloused feet.

Crawling now on hands and knees.

Please, please, please, please.

A great swan, like a star, flies into a blackened gap, like a void.

A glowing, auric asteroid and screaming the song,

Willowed fancy bent her neck with grace.

Flow into the pen-song, sing if you like, sing along.

Allow the voices to creep up beside you

Muscle sing and sinew.

Breathe the universe and smile.

Sit a while.

It is a privelidge, to many misunderstood,

That to burble like a stream unconscious can be good.

Our downfall lay in our endless control.

Towelling. Dry them all away.

Put on your clothes and pack away our bare defensless nudity.

Not good to see where we are from.

Cover it up-hide it away.

My God what would the neighbours say.

Not good to examine the pore and sweat

A living body is more than that.

We should live only for soul and hide away.

The body that carries us day after day.

Let it be tangled with lust and sin.

After all it’s only a bag we keep our egos in.

But lust and sin, lust and sin, the pinnacle point of our marketing.

Selling the sack that we keep our souls in.

Moulding and crafting, perfection the key.

Only the perfect retain free nudity.

For the soul must show shame for its wrinkles and bulges

Cry in its prison and hide from the vultures.

Skin and love.

Comfort and sweaty love-making begin.

Nudity a barefaced crime.

Imperfection in mirror eyes

A sin.

Stone. Braevallich Cottage, Loch Awe, Scotland. 1996.

Stone held in concentration.

Cold in soft, warm palm.

Ancient against the new living tissue.

Carried by time.

Dimples, holes and mineral-layering, mixing and solidly forming,

Fossilize, hardening,

Hot lava and chalk.

Carrying her DNA.

Simple elements.

A mystery.

Stone against skin.

So soft a knocking.

A lucky charm.

Reminding.

Wild wind. Braevallich Cottage, Loch Awe, Scotland. 1996.

Wild wind.

Wild wind howling, stabbing,

stalling, winding, ‘wind’ing,

around this solid shelter.

Helter-skelter missiles surrender,

Thrown against the glacier blue.

A black shadow crow glides and flutters, head on,

Choked on caw,

Blown inside out.

Wild wind, blowing as hard as it can,

Seems, though, it can never blow us all away,

The earth’s scurge and virus,

Man.