“Reeling in synchronicity,
Flying in, through, over,
Over and over and over
Why can’t I tune into expressing myself at all? It frightens me – always so open, but now I feel ‘jibby’ about any emotional connection with anybody. I am frightened that I am loosing the ability to ever be relaxed around people.
The time with German boyfriend somehow sucked my trust away. I really don’t know what I want…I think I do and then next thing I know I’m paddling backwards like crazy and sending out weird vibes that I try and control which makes things worse.
Somewhere deep down and its been building up for years. I really don’t trust anyone to find me sexually attractive (anyone I find attractive that is!) After this experience this has become greatly accentuated. I begin to dislike the ‘ugly’ things about me intensely to the point where I am afraid to touch friends in case they recoil.
I don’t know where this comes from, even when I kiss friends goodbye I cringe at awkward nose bumps, whisker brushes and I have become paranoid about my palms and the way they feel to people, as someone actually told me they hated the way my hands felt.
Although I have led a full and adventurous, extremely sense driven sex life, it is all fading to a hazy dream to me now.”