I arrive in Berlin with the easy going Aussie, that I keep bumping into all over the place, and two Spanish ‘runaways’ and their little baby, Luna.
Aussie mate goes off to find his Berlin connections and I never see him again.
My new lovers place.
We arrange the guest wagon for my companions and I stay, in his ‘sharing experiment’!, in his, beautiful, bauwagon.
Meet everyone in Muesli Eke, make food, built a sweat lodge etc….made plans to go to Poland, rebuild the wagon togther etc.
One of the Spanish lassies decides to go back to London, mum and baby stay on and move into Lotta’s wagon.
I began to feel very ill. My back and stomach, also a fucking vaginal infection. Felt very weak.
Our trip to Poland.
A flying round trip. 300km, another 450km, then 600km back to Berlin.
1st house – Kopeknice.
Curious family arrangment.
One father/two Mum family!
With 10 children.
A fiddle-playing, bearded, almost silent, pipe-smoking, hat wearing, farming, earth druid with his two artist wives. One a gifted illustrator and the other an incredible texile artist and maker of cloth and clothes. They had their children, all to him, alternately. The kids just about ran the farm. And in the summer the whole family would go on tour as a travelling theatre around Poland.
The house that my man’s freinds were thinking of buying.
Very big, very beautiful, hand-hewn, Polish, traditional farmhouse in the mountains.
2nd house -near Lublin.
Stunning, self build, octaganol house, a French connection.
The tiny, cold, smokey cottage of a manic depressive freind.
An artful cottage that a beautiful, pocelain doll of a young woman built herself with only her Great Dane for company! She also made the most stunning items out of leather. A deal tougher than she looked.
The wood ‘trip’.
The mandala house and domes.
Visit to a silver-haired freind.
Garlic from the local farmer (‘genuine Poish family’!?)
Drive in the rain, rain, rain.
The artist couple.
Feeling very pissed off with my lover and not really understanding why.
To a freind who was not around.
Jerry’s and the teenage kids.
Rock n’ roll with much toking. A bath and bed.
Help with sculptures….the basket man.
Back to Berlin.
And suddenly there he is, in bed with Anna, in front of me, being a couple, at 3am in the morning, after I have driven them all the way back, looking far more comfortable with her than with me….
And so total hell ensues.
I felt really, really, really hurt and jealous. Not nice. Like an inadequate, clumsy, comical frump chauffer, for their honeymoon.
3 days lost to confused depression.
Did not know where to go.
Very good, but the personal tensions every where around (they were both there too) spoiled it for me.
Drove home alone.
More depression. Packed everything.
He came back. We talked a little.
Went to bed. Could not stand sleeping next to him. Tried top-to-toe! Tried writing.
Unpacked his congas and put everything in Millie.
Walked into the forest.
Slept there, half awake in the wind.
Listening to the trees until the grey dawn.
The bakery was closed. Did some Qi gong in another part of the forest.
Went to find Silka.
Remembered ‘shaman’me, the rainbow warrioress again. The strength to believe in life again.
Lovely joint and tea with my street-alchoholic neighbour. He is writing again and he has shaved! So sunny again, now, after his manic, alchohol cold-turkey shit.
I am off.
My lover cried.
I felt love again for him.
Relief that it was all over.
I was going.
He became cold and empty. She was sick, so he went to her, then wanted me to bring breakfast for one last meal togther.
I went to the bakery.
We sat in ‘her’wagon and I felt completely numb as I watched them play with the baby. Kept thinking about my possible pregnancy.
Drove to one of his friend’s houses for information and a basic chat. She suggested that I call him from hers and tell him.
I hated him for being so polite and reasonable on the phone.
Was unreasonable and drammatic.
Ate chocolate and had a deep bath in her fancy bathroom. YUM.
He brought a pregnacy test over.
It was negative.
Relief. Also a weird sadness as I had already begun to frame motherhood quite positively!
Left for the East Side Gallery and to find a Goa connection who had said he lived there.
Took Millie to the car wash.
Together we watched as the old girl came out all shiney.
And then I got in her and left him there.
The pain went.
Drove to the East Side Gallery.
I found my old freind. He,also, lived in a beautiful bauwagon. Apparently, exactly the same thing had happened to him when he was driving around Switzerland. His girlfreind got it together with a freind of his, as her drove them around.
It took him 3 months to get over it.
A shared experience.
A good feeling.
Slept in Millie, -35C, under 3 duvets.
And then today my period started. Began to actively sell Millie. Walked all around Kreuzburg, much more familiar now. More confident. Bumped into a few folk that I had met already. Nice chats. Went back to the posh flat, she said I can use her phone again to sort out advertizing. Lovely woman.
Life is fast and great.
“POSITIVA CUM(a) HEIR!”
As another new freind, on another wagonburg, shouts, daily, for her dog.
Thank you all those who have been showing me kindness.”