“Maybe it is my love of theatre that makes my life so strenuous. To ‘just be’, in a sense, so impossible. I am always looking for the story in this ‘film’.
The Spanish runaway imp with her Moon baby.
Our beautiful wagon circle by the old Scot’s pines in the middle of all this industrial junk.
The ex-street wino, Rolf, going crazy, in his way, over his love for the puppet lady, Silka.
The humming, honey Anna. Mother of all, who has so much time and kindness to share.
This ‘sharing’ experiment that seems so clinical. Not at all like love. He seems so distant from me. Aloof somehow. Like he perceives that he is helping me in some great way, but actually having more FUN with everyone else.
“I can be fun too!” I find myself screaming inside.
Everyone behaves like a grown up around me.
Actually, I feel pretty lonely in this film, but it is all so visually stimulating and new that I do not mind staying to see how it all pans out.
It is a bit confused by the slight possibility that I may be pregnant to him.
I do not want to bear his child. I do not feel that real spark of connection.
In fact I have not felt it for a while.
Not since London.
I miss the rush of ‘connection’ and that is sad, when you are travelling, not to have that real rush of encounter. That light opening excitement of soul greetings.
I’d like to catch his eye one day and feel him, let him feel me and then all these blocks might fall away.
I am, however, pretty happy in this cage, but am aching to feel the surge of new energy that comes with setting off again .
Perhaps it is just the sun that I am missing.
Anyhow…there is a void.
But for now…
I am in this beautiful wagon…there is forest and time to write, to make jewellery, to play music and to sleep.
I need this time so much, I can enjoy it.
My guilt about not being more active is not in question.
I want to relax a while and take stock of where I am now.
I have hit the the travelling hard-core.
I am beginning to fill out the picture of me.
Feeling the stirrings of motherhood, with Luna baby being around, and haunted by thoughts of settling down.
Would like to get to Australia before then!
On Thursday we drive to Poland for a week or so…just him and me. Yum.”