How do I spend my days? 1994.

“I’m trying to find a way, a direction, in this ‘reality’…although it all seems so very nonsense now.

How do I spend my days?

In an isolated chamber, going nowhere, but around.

A justified pressure from the other side, based on love and fear, for me.

Parental despair.


I am essentially happy, but on looking around  I realise that I am not, or that I shouldn’t be.

How did I grow this way?

I believe it is based on truth.

An complete inability to perform, to rote, and oil the cogs of this foul machine.

I am losing faith in progress, as logical, it is not.

One man gets up early to a jangling alarm, jangling still, he stumbles, hurried, processed breakfast.

“She’s opened the packet the bottom side first – damnation.”, cannot read while gulping down the cornflakes, not tasting anyway.

To the car and slowly, slowly, in the fume spewing, clutch, accelerator, clutch, accelerator, brake, caterpillar finds his way to work.

Some company. Profit controlled by producing inferior quality, no-one wants anything that lasts forever, least of all ‘us’. In suit and tie, sitting and muddling through tension and stress, the computer and typewriter, business unseen, product production, clock watching, sweating, paper-flicking rush – then- slowly, slowly on the homeward conveyor road, back to the house (not paid for yet) and onto the exercise bicycle.

Cycling madly, but going nowhere for 1/2 hour.

T.V. Dinner.Goodnight.

The kids at school don’t play any more. They swear and hold battles; pretend they are at war. Sexuality discovered at 9 years old, courtesy of the media and parents unable to protect them from themselves.

The youngsters just wandering aimless.

Why on our main streets are there so many clothes shops, just selling identical shirts in a variety of tones, at vastly differing prices?

No food, except in superstores, packaged to the nines, plastic wrapped, inside and out.

And everywhere this differentiation in standard of living. No contentment or ease, under the pressure to acquire, climb a step higher.

I feel lost in a whirlwind of money and waste, fumes and rubbish, (where does it all go?), ignorance and manipulation.

And I am part of it all, whether I like it or not.

I am strangled by my strings, a puppet to the plot.

Affected by comfort, vomiting choice, all designed to last a year, as fashions change and technology advances.

It is time to write another list of ways of living I respect and find a way, a useful way to put to use my intellect.

I respect the land and nature above all things. (Although, living here, I feel completely divorced from it. Its been so long, I am not sure if I am still strong enough to deal with it alone. Lured into city-human ways.)

Organic farming/self sufficiency appeals.

I respect technology and learning, provided it is geared toward an all-round respect of man and his place within nature.

I cannot respect money wasted on research into chemical development unless it it bio-degradable.

I cannot respect medicine that ignores and belittles thousands of years of collected wisdom, essentially for profit.

I respect all forms of positive communication, questioning of ‘progress’, alternative awareness.

Consciousness of change.

I respect dance and music.

I have to seek a positive-karma occupation, otherwise I will feel that I have failed.

Possible positive karma occupations:

Healing: herbalism, acupuncture, yoga, dance therapy, music therapy.

Alternative science: environmentalism, alternative energy, biodegradables, re-cycling.

Communications: Politics for positive change, exposing these truths – journalism

Crafts: pottery, wood turning, returning to fine art? Would prefer to learn a new, more practical skill.

Creativity: conscience, writing, music, performance, all with a conscious message. Questioning ‘our’ direction, suggesting new ways of seeing as an author, an artist, a poet or performer. Within the rave/party scene perhaps?

Spirituality: difficult as an occupation unless expressed through creativity? Somehow convey to others the fascinating world that I am beginning to retreat into as I feel so much is going wrong with our society.

Or just simply create something beautiful that gives joy?”


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